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This is my son - all grown up.
I'm so very proud of him!
But I wish he would call
just a little more often :-)
Hugs, Mom

Fritz Von Woofshmidt
01/10/2000 - 01/04/2014



Fritz (aka Boo)
The very bestest doggy ever!


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    In Loving Memory of
    Bella Donna


    In the short time that we had together your unconditional love filled our lives with happiness, and our hearts with joy.

    Your passing leaves us forever changed.

    Rest in peace my sweet, darling, little girl.

    July 5, 2006
    to
    October 19, 2007


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    “The most potent muse of all is our own inner child.”
    Stephen Nachmanovitch

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    Location: Colorado, United States



    I'm a wife, a mom, a dog lover, a complete lefty, a true scorpio, and I'm on a creative journey. I welcome you to join me.



    Sewing Southpaw...

    Is the place where I share my creativity, my hobbies, and other stuff!


    04 December 2008

    A Morning and Memory Lane

    This post is more of a "Get if off your chest" sort of relief for me, than something most of you will probably want to read. It exposes a bit of my inner most feelings ranging from doubt to confusion, to regrets, to anger, to hopes, to my struggle with still tying to come to terms with things going on in my life.

    Read on if you wish.........

    I woke up this morning and saw that it had snowed again during the night. It was still early enough that the snow, even on the street, was undisturbed. I was quite taken by how quiet and peaceful it was in this little world of white. DH was still asleep, as was Fritz, so I poured a cup of coffee and booted up my computer. While I was waiting I stood at the patio door looking outside and thinking about Life in general.

    Suddenly, I noticed that a tear had run down my cheek and dropped onto my hand. It was then that I realized I was thinking about Mathew. It's been nearly a year since I've seen him. That probably wouldn't be so difficult to take if we were at least talking or emailing - communicating in some manner - but we're not. Obviously, he hasn't found a place in his heart or in his life for us yet.

    And all of my pleading with and praying to GOD hasn't seemed to make a difference. I fear I'm loosing what little faith I have left. So, the tears continue to fall, my heart continues to ache, and I remain unable to live in the present. I have even tried to convince myself that remodeling would make THIS house feel like home. But I don't think it will. Mathew made it feel like home. And he took that feeling with him when he left.

    I guess I should be happy that I haven't received a nasty email from him for awhile. It's tough to have your "baby" tell you that he hates you. That you're not now, and never were a "MOM" to him. That everything he is, he owes to someone else. Yada, yada, yada. It's also difficult for me to believe that that is really how he feels. He and I were always so close. But that was the stance he took after only about 2-3 months of living with my ex (Brian Domire) and his wife (Karla Domire). It's amazing how quickly a couple of vindictive adults can corrupt a young mind. It's sad and sickening!

    Am I bitter - oh you betcha!

    Brian barely had the time of day for Mathew all the time he was growing up. Oh he screamed loud enough about "his parental rights" but he was all talk! The only way he would do 'the right thing' was to drag his butt into court. And Karla wasn't any better. She even perjured herself! What a pair they are.

    Anyway, Brian and Karla start grooming Mathew the summer of 2007 during his visit with them. Then after school starts, out of the blue, Brian starts sending Mathew letters, cards, etc, enticing him to come and live with them in Grantsville, Utah. Offering a "Better" life. And the next thing you know, he's buying Mathew a plane ticket, telling me he didn't, and Mathew is gone!

    That was a year ago in October. Mathew came home for Christmas last year but Brian and Karla just couldn't leave well enough alone. Mathew and I both said things to each other that should never have been said but unfortunately, people some times do those things. Even more unfortunate, Brian and Karla convinced Mathew that I didn't love him. That I only wanted to control him. It was my last Christmas with Mathew (as a minor) and they had the cops at my door for no reason at midnight. They changed Mathew's return flight and when he left, our relationship was ruined.

    THANK YOU BRIAN and KARLA!

    DH has come downstairs, surprised that he slept so late. Now, a rush to get ready for work. He smiles and gives me a kiss on the cheek, he gets his coffee and takes Fritz outside for his morning duties. He loves the snow, the cold weather, the mountains, and sees life through optimistic eyes.

    I had to smile watching them. Wondering around the back yard, kicking up snow, their breath coming out in long streams of steam. Totally oblivious to the snow sticking to them, or the cold settling in. I reminded me of a moment of innocence. Then in they came. Kicking snow off, toweling Fritz's feet off, another cup of coffee, and another kiss on the cheek. Time to go to work.

    Fritz knows me better than I know myself sometimes. As soon as DH left, he walks into my studio and lays by the computer. It must be time to check email - so I do. And I'm happily surprised to see an email from my mom. But then again, maybe not.

    The news is sad. My DB and DSIL have been having such a time of it. He's been out of work, they are struggling to keep a roof over their heads and food in their bellies. It seems that there is far too much of that happening every where. Anyway, as I read the email again with the tears. After contacting any organizations that might be able to help (Toys for Tots, etc.) and being turned away, my DB had to sit down and have the "Truth about Santa" talk with my 10 year old nephew. There won't be Christmas at their house this year. SO, with a breaking heart he had to try and explain it.

    How do you do that? What kind of a LIFE requires you to take away that innocence? Those dreams? Again I find myself wondering WHY? Wipe away the tears, shake my head, hug myself, cry some more..........

    Of course, I will send extra for my nephew and my niece this year. I will do what I can to try and take the sting out of the disappointment. But I know that I will end up wishing I could have done more. I suppose there will be way too much of that sentiment this year with so many families struggling to stay afloat. (Sarcastically I say, "THANK YOU BIG CEO's, WALL STREET, AND SUB-PRIME MORTGAGE LENDERS!" and "Shame on us for having too much for too long and not really appreciating it!").

    Oh well....In the style of Scrooge, I visit the ghosts of Christmas Past.


    Christmas 2001. Mat, Dustin, Mom, Monique and Alyssa.


    Christmass 2002. Dustin, Mat and Monique


    Christmas 2003. Mat with his scooter.


    Christmas 2004. Mat recovering from foot surgery.


    Christmas 2005. Mat with new watch.


    Christmas 2007. Mat with Letter Jacket.

    Maybe Santa will bring me a fresh outlook for Christmas. Maybe GOD will be listening a little closer and will help me find some inner peace. Maybe Mathew will listen to his heart and will call. Maybe I'll write a book. Maybe I'll just get tough and move on. Who knows. But for now at least, it's time to dry my eyes and push those feelings aside - again!


    Until Next time...Happy Needling!!!






    Labels: , ,

    13 Comments:

    Blogger Sara said...

    My heart hurts for you. Times like this can be tough. Try and thing of the good times with Matt.

    You are in my thoughts.

    December 4, 2008 at 3:56 PM  
    Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Gerry, my heart aches for you and sending you a hug. Being the mother of 3 boys let me say this, sometimes the best form of parenting is NOT parenting at all, sit back and let them make their life mistakes. After a while, they "get it" and smarten up. He"ll be back..... In the meantime, it hurts like hell, but that"s our job isn"t it??? Hugs, Debbie (Maine)
    campmoxie@yahoo.com.au

    December 4, 2008 at 8:48 PM  
    Blogger Cat said...

    Good vent. I'm glad you did. Even if I'm tearing up too. It's good to let this out. You raised Mat with LOVE and one day he will have the wisdom to see that. It's so hard to wait.

    He is in my prayers, as are you.
    Peace Prayers.

    And prayers for truth to seep into Mathews heart. Truth is absolute but easy to distort, that's where is is. [the word verification on this comment is "truthif" hummmn...

    XO, Cat

    December 6, 2008 at 7:56 AM  
    Anonymous Freda butler said...

    I also agree that time can heal many wounds and in time the years Matt spent with you will come back to him. He is at a very hard age and is probably very confused about life. This is horrible for you but try and pull thru and hopefully he will return to you.

    Unfortunately there are many men who are not around when their children are small and you need them but return as they see their child grown. what a shame.

    You have many friends thinking of you in this terrible time.

    Hugs

    FredaB

    December 7, 2008 at 2:07 PM  
    Blogger Charlene said...

    Here's a great big hug filled with love and smooches, just for YOU!
    Love ya,
    Charlene

    December 8, 2008 at 9:14 AM  
    Anonymous Diane said...

    Gerry, I went through something similar when my son was in his teens. He's in his thirties now and I couldn't have a better relationship with him. These boys do eventually see the light, but you need boatloads of patience in the meantime.

    Feeling your heartache...
    Diane

    December 8, 2008 at 6:04 PM  
    OpenID cq4fun said...

    Gerry, I'm so sorry you are in such pain. The teen years are full of angst, and Matthew has stumbled on people who don't really have his best interests at heart. The good news is that he will grow older and wake up. The bad news is it will take a few years. Somewhere inside him, Matthew still has the memories of all the ways you proved your love. It will come out again.

    Life is a training ground, and it's filled with obstacles to overcome. Don't lose faith in God over something *people* have done.

    The peace comes with forgiveness. It's hard. It took me more than 20 years to forgive my ex for some things, and when I finally did, last summer, the peace was amazing. You have to be ready, though, can't force it.

    December 10, 2008 at 11:19 AM  
    Blogger Gerry said...

    Thank you all SO MUCH for your kind words, the encouragement, and for letting me know that I'm not alone in this type of situation.

    I truly do appreciate that you've taken the time. I'm wishing you all the best in your parent-child relationships. Hugs!

    December 14, 2008 at 3:00 PM  
    Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Dear Gerry as cq4fun says peace comes with forgiveness....

    Mathew is learning how to be a man and how to appreciate the things you've done for him in his life...

    You are also on a journey to learn how to let him go, prepare yourself for his return so that the time waiting does not seem that long, don't look back, only look forward to much better times.... don't be in a hurry....

    December 15, 2008 at 12:54 AM  
    Blogger Ralonda said...

    Let me start by saying that I am no one you know, but I care. Liken yourself unto Mose's momma when she had to put the baby in the basket. Know that you nursed him as long as you could and turn it over to got to keep him. He is a much better parent than we are even on our good days. This is called Jehoshabedding. Her name was Jehoshabed (spelling?) pronounced with a long O I think. You train a child in the way he should go and he will not stray from it. I know circumstances say different but it is the truth-- it is in the word and you have the right to pray it and expect it. Your baby is coming home just like the prodigal son. EXPECT it!

    December 16, 2008 at 2:42 PM  
    Blogger Gerry said...

    I guess I just need to keep the lamp lit, just in case!

    January 1, 2009 at 4:30 PM  
    Anonymous Anonymous said...

    I live in Grantsville and know Mat. I am very sorry to hear all of this I really hope he comes through, and you guys work things out. He is very angry I can see this by looking at him. I wish I could do something to help but we no longer talk. I think in time things will get better.

    August 8, 2009 at 6:57 PM  
    Blogger Gerry said...

    Anonymous, I'm so glad that you stopped by. I wish I could reach you. I have so many questions. Mostly, I wonder if Mat is okay. It breaks my heart that he's so angry/upset/hurt. I have begged Brian and Karla to let me know how he is - but they haven't.

    Please feel free to email me. If not, take care and thanks again!!!!

    August 9, 2009 at 12:56 PM  

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