14 December 2009

Christmas Funnies & Stuff

(REPOST - IN CASE YOU MISSED IT THE FIRST TIME)

I have received so many Christmas related jokes, stories, etc., lately that I thought I would post them. Well, there is NO WAY that I can post them ALL but here are a bunch to get you going and keep you busy. Also, feel free to pass them along. Most came from emails, some as links in 'greetings', some from groups, and some I found archived in my own files.

Please be warned that some of the items listed will be funny, some touching, some silly, and some a little risque. Nothing 'RANK' but read and/or 'click' at your own doing. Enjoy!


Mommy's Letter to Santa:
Dear Santa, I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned and cuddled my children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground.

I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my daughter's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.

Here are my Christmas wishes:

1. I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't hurt or flap in the breeze; but are strong enough to pull my screaming child out of the candy aisle in the grocery store.

2. I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.

3. If you're hauling big ticket items this year I'd like fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals; and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.

4. On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with two kids who don't fight and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools.

5. I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother," because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog.

6. If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container.

7. If you don't mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely.

8. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family.

Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my daughter saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think she wants her crayon back. Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the door and come in and dry off so you don't catch cold. Help yourself to cookies on the table but don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.

Yours Always, MOM...!

P.S. One more thing...you can cancel all my requests if you can keep my children young enough to believe in Santa.



CHRISTMAS COOKIE RECIPE (variation):
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Crown Royal/Whiskey/Rum

Sample the liquor to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the liquor again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.

At this point it's best to make sure the liquor is still OK. Try another cup - just in case.

Turn off the mixer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl. Chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the frigging fruit off floor...Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a dewscriver.

Sample the Liquor to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt, or something.... who giveshz a sheet. Check the Liquor Lickity.

Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of ar, or somefink.... whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the bottle of Liquor. Make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.


Cherry Mistmas!



Merry Christmas Sisters!!
THIS SAYS IT ALL:

Time passes.

Life happens.

Distance separates.

Children grow up.

Jobs come and go.

Love waxes and wanes.

Men don't do what they're supposed to do.

Hearts break.

Parents die.

Colleagues forget favors.

Careers end.

BUT - Sisters are there, no matter how much time and how many miles are between you. A girlfriend is never farther away than needing her.

When you have to walk that lonesome valley and you have to walk it by yourself, the women in your life will be on the valley's rim, cheering you on, praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on your behalf, and waiting with open arms at the valley's end.

Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk beside you, or come in and carry you out.

Girlfriends, daughters, granddaughters, daughters-in-law, sisters, sisters-in-law, mothers, grandmothers, aunties, nieces, cousins and extended family all bless our life.

When we began this adventure called womanhood, we had no idea of the incredible joys or sorrows that lay ahead, nor did we know how much we would need each other.

Every day, we need each other still.

Pass this on to all the women who help make your life meaningful. I just did.

There are more than 20 angels in this world; 10 are peacefully sleeping
on clouds, nine are playing, and one is reading her email at this moment!

Happy Holidays!





The Grinch That Stole Mommy:
By Jenny Runkel

I hate the Christmas season. Ok, maybe hate is too strong a word. Being an English teacher, I have to be careful with words; they often come back to haunt me in one way or another. I should put more thought into this. Which word really pinpoints my feelings about Christmas?

Bitterness? Melancholy? Cynicism? Dread? Hmm, that has a nice ring to it. Yes, I think that just might be it. I dread Christmas. Like my students dread report card day, I dread "the most wonderful time of the year."

I should be traipsing around town spreading cheer and drinking Peppermint Lattes, but I just can't. To tell you the truth, I feel more like curling up into the fetal position and trying to sleep my way through the craziness. There is just something panic-inducing about the month of December. I have never sat down to try and outline what makes me so anxious whenever I hear Bing Crosby dreaming of a White Christmas, but with another yuletide quickly approaching, it's high time I did just that.

Maybe it's the catalogs that arrive before I've even finished sneaking the KitKats out of my kids' Halloween bags. Those things are relentless. The catalogs, I mean. They clog my mailbox daily, promising lifetime guarantees on 'gift solutions that make life easier.' Let's think about that for a moment. Does a chocolate fondue fountain really make my life easier? What about a hand-held gnome that repeats phrases you give it in a 'silly gnome accent?'

You know what would really make my life easier? Not getting any more catalogs! Maybe it's the supermarkets. I went to the grocery store on November 1st this year to do my weekly shopping. I expected the Halloween candy to be on sale and I knew Thanksgiving trimmings would greet me at the door and stacks of cranberry sauce, perhaps even rows of Indian corn.

What I didn't expect was to be hit in the face by Christmas. Literally. A gigantic inflatable Santa smacked me in the head just as I walked down the greeting card aisle. On November 1st! The clerk hauling Jolly St. Nick to his appointed spot apologized profusely, saying that she didn't see me around the corner, but I know better. I saw the look on Santa's face as they headed down aisle 14 to meet up with the candy canes. He was definitely smirking.

Maybe it's the magazines lining the checkout counters. While I'm wrestling my kids away from the Skittles (and remembering that one of them hasn't had a dentist appointment in ages), I'm faced with photos of darling children in precious Christmas sweaters making their own ornaments and baking cookies while Mom is scrapbooking the moment as it happens. AUGH!!!!

And then it hits me. I don't really dread Christmas itself. It's the pressure of the Holidays that make me woozy. All the glitz and glitter that the stores and commercials try to sell us has left me feeling empty and small. Real holidays, at least the holidays I've experienced, usually involve hurt feelings and awkward conversations.

The catalogs, stores, and magazines don't show you that side of things. They show the plastic side of Christmas. It's not the decorations or shopping that make me crazy, it's the expectations that I've attached to those things. I've been listening to my inner "Child" without even recognizing it. This voice tells me what I'm supposed to do, how I'm supposed to look, how my children are supposed to behave.

Apparently, it doesn't stop there, though. It also tells me what the Holidays are supposed to be like. It tells me that I should bake cookies and put up Christmas lights. I should get the perfect gifts for my kids' teachers, crossing guards, and coaches (not to mention friends and family). I should decorate the house and create a warm, cozy environment. I should write the perfect holiday letter and take the perfect holiday photo. I should catch up with all my long lost friends who send those same perfect letters and photos to me. I should record all these fantastic moments for eternity with pictures and videos. And I MUST do it all in precious Christmas sweaters.

I'm exhausted just thinking about it all. I am paralyzed by the sheer volume of things that need to be done. What am I doing to myself? To my family? This is Christmas, not the Mommy Olympics. Although sometimes it feels like it, there is no one watching my every move and waiting to give me a score. The loud echo of "The You Should" doesn't have to govern my actions and attitudes.

No more! I am a smart, successful woman. I have the power and ability to overcome the lure of "The You Should" and start enjoying the winter wonderland along with the best of them. From now on, I will listen to a new voice in my head. One that is a little more gentle, a little more wise and a lot more sane. I will call this my Maya Angelou voice. She sits on a windowsill in my mind waiting to comfort me with a smile and a nod.

When I feel the urge to deck something other than the halls, I will hear her say to me in her warm, buttery voice, "It's ok to say no. You don't need to attend all those parties and volunteer for every activity. Put your feet up and take care of you for a change. When's the last time you had some peace and quiet? You are not alone. Just about everyone gets stressed around the holidays. Be creative. There is not one right way to do everything. Revel in your unique approach. Work smarter, not harder. Figure out what you're not great at and let someone who is lend you a hand. Enjoy the little moments. You will one day miss the way your child furrows her brow when writing to Santa. Be gentle with yourself and with others. That is a gift worth giving."

My inner Angelou. She makes me feel better already. There's one problem with my plan. "The You Should" won't go away easily. It's comfortable in my head. It's been there for a long time and if I'm not careful, it will choke out Maya at the first sign of stress. I've got to think up a way to take that annoyingly persistent whine out of my head before it ruins yet another Christmas.

An epiphany! I know what I will do. I will order the Talking Gnome. I can give my "Should" another home and this time, instead of sounding like me, it will have a 'silly gnome accent.' Maybe that Gnome really will make my life easier, after all.


Christmas Story (for people having a bad day):
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. So, frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. (thanks
Linda).








Until Next time...Happy Needling!!!

Gerry

11 December 2009

Exploding Box

Out of shear boredom (since I'm not decorating for Christmas this year), I decided to do something crafty. And this is what I came up with. I found a template and instructions for this little box through a Google search the other day. I didn't keep the link but you can find it under: Exploding Box, Exploding Scrapbook, etc.

The original template printed out at just under 3" square and I didn't think I could work with something that small to start with. This box ended up being just over 4" square and was still quite a challenge.

I didn't have any thin(ish) cardboard around, so I used regular card stock to make the box. Which means that it's not quite as 'stout' as it would have been otherwise. But unless someone sits on it, it will be just fine. Putting the actual card stock box together was a breeze. I didn't begin to have any issues until I began to attach the fabric to the inside of the lid. Luckily, after lots of time, effort, and a few choice words, it was done! Which made finishing the actual box part a piece of cake. LOL.

I added the gold trim inside so that it would hold a short poem and a photo. I'm not sure what else I will put in there. I'm thinking of giving this to my mom, so I'll be on the look out for things that she would like to have. Maybe I'll just leave some space for her to add her own little trinkets.

I used a piece of trim out of my crazy quilt stash for the box lid, as well as some silk flowers, beads and ribbon. I'm still searching for just the PERFECT embellishments and/or charms to finish it off. Oh....and before I forget to mention it - this is a new-sew project. I used fabric glue and Stitch Witch, a hot iron, and under a fat quarter of fabric to make this little beauty. But it did take me about 2 1/2 hours. I'm hoping to get quicker at it. LOL.

Well, I'm off to work on some of my Domestic Goddess duties (bathrooms, vacuum, etc.) before I begin making several more boxes for Christmas gifts.

BTW, if you're wondering why I'm not decorating for Christmas this year, it's because I'm doing something else!



Until Next time...Happy Needling!!!

Gerry

25 November 2009

Swap Stocking and Goodies

I completely forgot to post this lovely Christmas stocking that I received from Lyn as part of the swap that she hostessed. I was lucky enough to get a stocking that she made. It's just beautiful, don't you think???? The Santa siggie and blue SRE roses are just gorgeous.



I also received all of these wonderful goodies with the stocking. The dyed lace is just perfect for a block that I will be piecing shortly.



This is the Crazy Quilted Christmas Stocking (aka Victorian Boot Christmas Stocking) that I made for the swap. I just love the Santa on this fabric! I sent it on its way with a few goodies, including some darling brass 'clip on' Christmas charms.




Thank you so much, Lyn. This was a really fun swap!


Until Next time...Happy Needling!!!


Gerry

02 November 2009

Thank You, Linda

Linda Fleming has graciously included me in her choices for this award.



In her post she states that, "As a recipient of the award, I'm supposed to name seven things about myself that no one knows and nominate seven others for this award. So here goes- my dark secrets revealed..." Although, I'm not sure that I am comfortable revealing my dark secrets, I will share a few relatively unknown things about myself.

1) I love to watch the sunrise. Rarely do I miss it.
2) I don't like the taste of black licorice. But I do like the smell.
3) I can tie a cherry stem in a knot with my tongue.
4) I'm a coffee snob. I only drink fresh ground coffee.
5) Beets gross me out.
6) I love cold pizza.
7) I hate to pluck my eyebrows. It's just one of those necessary evils!

Now, to nominate seven others. I'm not showing any favoritism, it's just difficult to choose so few of my favorites.

1) Carol
2) Wendy
3) Rowan
4) Nicki
5) Cathe
6) Karen
7) Jennifer


Until Next time...Happy Needling!!!


Gerry

01 November 2009

November 1st

Wow, what a night! I do so love Halloween. And I'm happy to say that this year, like all before it, was a hoot! No regrets what-so-ever in the time and effort to make ready or to clean it all up. Even though to be honest, it's all in the house but still sort of spread all around my entry area. Tomorrow it will get lovingly put away and stored until next year.

We had gobs of trick-or-treaters but I cannot for the life of me figure out why people were so afraid to come up on to the house. Most were willing to brave the driveway but nearly everyone hesitated stepping up on to the porch.







For the little ones, I made sure to open the door and say, "Happy Halloween, don't be scared it's only for fun, and just for tonight." That seemed to help them warm up a bit. But some retained that look of dread even as they ran away with their candy.

On more than one occasion we saw a mom (or dad) holding their off-spring's hands and dragging them up to the porch. One mom actually got behind her kiddos and pushed them from behind. It was hilarious.

We had numerous comments from people who said they were expecting someone to jump out at them. Alas, we had no people jumpers booked for the night. But we did receive enough 'thumbs up' comments to make us grin BIG.

And don't think we forgot the furbabies that were out. We had little doggy treats by the front door too. One of them was so grateful that he lifted his leg on our (uncarved) porch pumpkin. Lucky for us that he was already peed out. LOL. His human was pretty embarrassed, though.

We saw some great costumes, including a fair number of parents, and lots of furbabies. That makes it so much fun. But the funnest (or funniest) part of the night was when four teenage girls started up the driveway and heard our scary music (which just happened to be at a screaming part) and they screamed. Laughing at themselves they crept up the walk and on to the porch. Looking at our porch guests, they tenderly reached for the door bell and yelled, "Trick-or-Treat!" and this is what they saw when the door opened.



They screamed in unison, jumped a foot off the ground and slammed into each other. DH immediately took off his mask, apologized and offered them candy. Which they took by the way. Just before they RAN away. Too funny!!!!

Well, it's time to get dinner started and settle in for the night. I hope you all had as much fun as we did. Good night.



Until Next time...Happy Needling!!!


Gerry

31 October 2009

Happy Halloween

Okay....Ready, Set, GO! We are officially ready for Trick-or-Treaters.

The snow is almost melted, none of the electrical decorations shorted out (bonus!). The pumpkins are carved, the shepherd's hooks are out and the luminaries filled with candles.





The spiders have arrived, along with the skull and see the sign???? Consider yourself warned. Or is that BEWAREed????



The skeletons are hung and the cauldron is filled with candy.



My cocktail is poured and the Witch is in!



On that note, I bid you a safe and.....




For your reading enjoyment here is something fun that I found over at Candles & Wicks. It seemed fitting for the occasion!

The Three Witches

by William Shakespeare
[Act IV, Scene 1 from Macbeth (1606)]

Thrice, the brinded cat mewed.
Thrice, and once the hedge-pig whined.
Harpier cries ! 'Tis time!
Round about the cauldron go;
In the poisoned entrails throw:
Toad that under cold stone Days and nights has thirty-one. Sweltered venom, sleeping got,
Boil thou first i'the charmed pot.
Double, double, toil and trouble;
Fire burn, and cauldron bubble.

Fillet of a fenny snake
In the cauldron boil and bake;
Eye of newt, and toe of frog,
Adder's fork, and blind-worm's sting,
Lizard's leg and howlet's wing,
For a charm of powerful trouble,
Like a hell-broth, boil and bubble.
Double, double, toil and trouble;
Fire burn, and cauldron bubble.

Scale of dragon, tooth of wolf,
Witch's mummy, maw and gulf
Of the ravined salt sea shark,
Root of hemlock digged i'the dark,
Liver of blaspheming jew,
Gall of goat, and slips of yew
Slivered in the moon's eclipse,
Nose of Turk, and Tartar's lips,
Finger of birth-strangled babe,
Ditch-delivered by a drab,
Make the gruel thick and slab.
Add thereto a tiger's chaudron
For the ingredience of our cauldron.
Double, double, toil and trouble;
Fire burn, and cauldron bubble.

Cool it with a baboon's blood;
Then the charm is firm and good....


Blessed Samhain )O(



Until Next time...Happy Needling!!!

Gerry

28 October 2009

Update Post on a Snowy Day

I haven't posted the rest of my Halloween photos because I haven't gotten around to doing any more with the decorations. I plan to carve pumpkins tomorrow but I won't put out the skeletons, luminaries and lanterns until Saturday afternoon. And considering that we now have snow on the ground, there really isn't any big hurry!



(***EDITED TO NOTE THAT NOW WE HAVE 8" TO 10" OF SNOW!!!***)



(***EDITED TO NOTE THAT NOW WE FINALLY ENDED UP WITH CLOSE TO 13" OF SNOW!!!***) Isn't that just WILD?

Hopefully, the weather report is correct and the snow will melt off and temps will warm a little by Saturday. Otherwise we won't get tons of Trick-or-Treaters and I'm going to be stuck with about 12 bags of candy that might go to waste if I don't eat it. I would hate to think that I would be forced to do that. LOL.

Other than that....I have finished my Crazy Quilted Christmas Stocking (aka Victorian boot Christmas stocking and pulled together the squishies and hostess gift that I'll send out with it. (Note to self - finish Christmas ornaments and send with stocking.)



I've also finished working on Cathy's STS-Fall block. The first photo is her finished block. The other three show my work. As usual, (and it just worked out that way) I worked the left hand side of the block. I added the tree and owl charm, as well as the seam treatment to the right.



I also added the french knot flower buds and leaveas as well as the stitch combination and beads at the bottom. Finally, I added the spider to the lovely web that Cathy provided me with.



I spent most of Monday shopping for household items and project pieces, which resulted in finally being able to hang some art work up on the walls. DH and I have a thing for Ansel Adams and our collection has doubled since moving to Colorado. Anyway, I finally got the last of our prints cleaned up, reframed, and hung.

I've been looking for dinning and living room art work for over a year now. I kept telling DH that I would know what I wanted when I saw it. Well.....that day came on Monday when I was in Michael's (buying a ton of frames for the Ansel Adams).

We (mostly) have a black and white and/or sepia tone theme going on in these rooms (and halls and stairwells), with a mixture of mountains and streams, trees and meadows, and cottages. Which worked out very nicely with the mix of antique photos/art work that we put back up in the dining room.



It's so nice to have the bareness gone from the walls. What a difference it makes to finally have that 'homey' and finished feeling! I'm sure that some of you will notice that there still aren't any drapes yet. Well, I've been a little less than motivated about sewing them. I think it's because I don't want to cut into that bolt of dupioni silk. LOL. But I did promise DH that they would be up before Christmas, along with the sheers and that I would at least get the roller shades ordered. Fingers crossed!

I would like to take a moment to thank Diane for this lovely lace motif that she sent me as a thank you for a piece of this Asian boys fabric, that I sent to her, for a project she is planning.



And lastly, I send a big thank you out to everyone who remembered my birthday (a few days ago). I appreciate the well wishes, the cards, etc. It made it a little easier to face the realization that I am now in the LAST YEAR OF MY 40's. Such a very strange feeling. Not that I'm all that concerned with aging but I can't help but (to some degree) think about my own mortality. Looking back over the years, wondering how time passed so quickly, and wondering what the future holds. My greatest hope is that what lies ahead is as wonderful as what has been.

I know you're all just busting at the seams wondering what I got for my birthday, aren't you??? LOL. Well, I got a toaster oven, which I have been asking for for the longest time. Not only for the kitchen but for cooking clay. Also a 12" (and 10") sautee pan. DH dropped the other one and bent it up some time ago. I also got a bunch of books that I've had on my "Wishlist" at Amazon.com for a very long time, and some that I've purchased 2nd hand. Maybe it's not such a bad thing that the snow is still flying outside. It makes for the perfect day to sit down and go through them. I love books!!!!!!!!



Well, I guess that's it for now. I'm off to fix a cup of cocoa, take a nice, long, soak in the tub, and then fondle my books!


Until Next time...Happy Needling!!!


Gerry