A Morning and Memory Lane

This post is more of a "Get if off your chest" sort of relief for me, than something most of you will probably want to read. It exposes a bit of my inner most feelings ranging from doubt to confusion, to regrets, to anger, to hopes, to my struggle with still tying to come to terms with things going on in my life.

Read on if you wish.........

I woke up this morning and saw that it had snowed again during the night. It was still early enough that the snow, even on the street, was undisturbed. I was quite taken by how quiet and peaceful it was in this little world of white. DH was still asleep, as was Fritz, so I poured a cup of coffee and booted up my computer. While I was waiting I stood at the patio door looking outside and thinking about Life in general.

Suddenly, I noticed that a tear had run down my cheek and dropped onto my hand. It was then that I realized I was thinking about Mathew. It's been nearly a year since I've seen him. That probably wouldn't be so difficult to take if we were at least talking or emailing - communicating in some manner - but we're not. Obviously, he hasn't found a place in his heart or in his life for us yet.

And all of my pleading with and praying to GOD hasn't seemed to make a difference. I fear I'm loosing what little faith I have left. So, the tears continue to fall, my heart continues to ache, and I remain unable to live in the present. I have even tried to convince myself that remodeling would make THIS house feel like home. But I don't think it will. Mathew made it feel like home. And he took that feeling with him when he left.

I guess I should be happy that I haven't received a nasty email from him for awhile. It's tough to have your "baby" tell you that he hates you. That you're not now, and never were a "MOM" to him. That everything he is, he owes to someone else. Yada, yada, yada. It's also difficult for me to believe that that is really how he feels. He and I were always so close. But that was the stance he took after only about 2-3 months of living with my ex (Brian Domire) and his wife (Karla Domire). It's amazing how quickly a couple of vindictive adults can corrupt a young mind. It's sad and sickening!

Am I bitter - oh you betcha!

Brian barely had the time of day for Mathew all the time he was growing up. Oh he screamed loud enough about "his parental rights" but he was all talk! The only way he would do 'the right thing' was to drag his butt into court. And Karla wasn't any better. She even perjured herself! What a pair they are.

Anyway, Brian and Karla start grooming Mathew the summer of 2007 during his visit with them. Then after school starts, out of the blue, Brian starts sending Mathew letters, cards, etc, enticing him to come and live with them in Grantsville, Utah. Offering a "Better" life. And the next thing you know, he's buying Mathew a plane ticket, telling me he didn't, and Mathew is gone!

That was a year ago in October. Mathew came home for Christmas last year but Brian and Karla just couldn't leave well enough alone. Mathew and I both said things to each other that should never have been said but unfortunately, people some times do those things. Even more unfortunate, Brian and Karla convinced Mathew that I didn't love him. That I only wanted to control him. It was my last Christmas with Mathew (as a minor) and they had the cops at my door for no reason at midnight. They changed Mathew's return flight and when he left, our relationship was ruined.

THANK YOU BRIAN and KARLA!

DH has come downstairs, surprised that he slept so late. Now, a rush to get ready for work. He smiles and gives me a kiss on the cheek, he gets his coffee and takes Fritz outside for his morning duties. He loves the snow, the cold weather, the mountains, and sees life through optimistic eyes.

I had to smile watching them. Wondering around the back yard, kicking up snow, their breath coming out in long streams of steam. Totally oblivious to the snow sticking to them, or the cold settling in. I reminded me of a moment of innocence. Then in they came. Kicking snow off, toweling Fritz's feet off, another cup of coffee, and another kiss on the cheek. Time to go to work.

Fritz knows me better than I know myself sometimes. As soon as DH left, he walks into my studio and lays by the computer. It must be time to check email - so I do. And I'm happily surprised to see an email from my mom. But then again, maybe not.

The news is sad. My DB and DSIL have been having such a time of it. He's been out of work, they are struggling to keep a roof over their heads and food in their bellies. It seems that there is far too much of that happening every where. Anyway, as I read the email again with the tears. After contacting any organizations that might be able to help (Toys for Tots, etc.) and being turned away, my DB had to sit down and have the "Truth about Santa" talk with my 10 year old nephew. There won't be Christmas at their house this year. SO, with a breaking heart he had to try and explain it.

How do you do that? What kind of a LIFE requires you to take away that innocence? Those dreams? Again I find myself wondering WHY? Wipe away the tears, shake my head, hug myself, cry some more..........

Of course, I will send extra for my nephew and my niece this year. I will do what I can to try and take the sting out of the disappointment. But I know that I will end up wishing I could have done more. I suppose there will be way too much of that sentiment this year with so many families struggling to stay afloat. (Sarcastically I say, "THANK YOU BIG CEO's, WALL STREET, AND SUB-PRIME MORTGAGE LENDERS!" and "Shame on us for having too much for too long and not really appreciating it!").

Oh well....In the style of Scrooge, I visit the ghosts of Christmas Past.


Christmas 2001. Mat, Dustin, Mom, Monique and Alyssa.


Christmass 2002. Dustin, Mat and Monique


Christmas 2003. Mat with his scooter.


Christmas 2004. Mat recovering from foot surgery.


Christmas 2005. Mat with new watch.


Christmas 2007. Mat with Letter Jacket.

Maybe Santa will bring me a fresh outlook for Christmas. Maybe GOD will be listening a little closer and will help me find some inner peace. Maybe Mathew will listen to his heart and will call. Maybe I'll write a book. Maybe I'll just get tough and move on. Who knows. But for now at least, it's time to dry my eyes and push those feelings aside - again!


Until Next time...Happy Needling!!!